How to Lose a Guy You Really Like in Two Months or Less - MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE
Finally! I have perfected it! I have designed a foolproof method to really fuck up any relationship that has potential. Dude, follow these steps and you are GUARANTEED to fuck up any good thing you got going.
FIRST, find someone you really like. I mean, reeeeallly like. I'm talking twinspeak, giggling in the middle of the night with glee at how happy you are, finishing each other's sentences - you know the drill. This method is fool-proof - use it on friends, use it on family (well, might not work on family; they never really go away, even when you want them to), use it on any relationship that matters to you. If you don't completely fuck that relationship up in two months, I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK, no questions asked.**
SECOND, go all out when you start the relationship. Don't hold back. Just enjoy every second of each other's existence. Play together, sleep together, play together some more, send each other silly text messages like two twelve-year-olds falling in love for the first time. Don't hold back, because the more you are enjoying each other in the beginning, the easier it will be to achieve the remaining steps.
NEXT, just when the object of your affection starts really diggin' you, start acting crazy. I mean, batshit crazy - act the complete opposite of who he fell in love with. If he likes you because you're aloof and independent, start acting insecure and clingy. If he likes you because you're insecure and clingy, start acting aloof and independent. Just be sure to act nothing like the person he fell in love with.
PLEASE NOTE, people can forgive minor setbacks. Especially if he really loves you. That's what you gotta make sure this is a MAJOR setback. To really ensure that he never likes you again, you gotta stick that shank in deep and turn the handle. You gotta seal the deal. And you do that with the next two steps.
DOUBT. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Doubt everything he has every said to you. Doubt the connection. Doubt the relationship. Doubt him as a human being. (E.g., "you're not really from this planet, are you?" or "You can't possibly really love me - I'm a complete asshole!") Whatever you do, DO NOT BELIEVE. Doubt that love could ever exist for any two people ever. Doubt your mother's middle name. Doubt gravity, if you have to. Just doubt.
FINALLY, become so unbearably annoying that you can't even stand yourself. I mean, when you look in the mirror, you are downright disgusted. Nag. Point out flaws. Whine a lot - that works well. Complain that he doesn't love you like he used to. Complain that things are different now and what happened. Complain about work. Complain about your dog. Complain about the mailman. Complain about the mailman biting your dog. Make shit up if you have to. Just be sure that every word coming out of your mouth is as annoying to you as it is to him.
Well, that should do it. Good luck, all. If you have any questions, please send an email to idontgiveafuck@relationships.com. Per the advice of counsel, we will not respond to any correspondence. You're on your own, kid.
** TERMS OF MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE. To submit a claim for your money back, please supply us with the following:
1. Receipt for monies paid to us for this fool-proof system.
2. An itemized list of the steps you took, in accordance with the method spelled out above.
3. A blood sample.
4. A urine sample.
5. A bone marrow sample.
6. A signed, sworn, and notarized affidavit from the object of your desire, stating that despite your efforts, this person still loves you.
Send all of the following to the address listed on our website, and we will refund your money in full, at our discretion, when we feel like it and we have some extra cash lying around that is burning a hole in our pockets.
FIRST, find someone you really like. I mean, reeeeallly like. I'm talking twinspeak, giggling in the middle of the night with glee at how happy you are, finishing each other's sentences - you know the drill. This method is fool-proof - use it on friends, use it on family (well, might not work on family; they never really go away, even when you want them to), use it on any relationship that matters to you. If you don't completely fuck that relationship up in two months, I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK, no questions asked.**
SECOND, go all out when you start the relationship. Don't hold back. Just enjoy every second of each other's existence. Play together, sleep together, play together some more, send each other silly text messages like two twelve-year-olds falling in love for the first time. Don't hold back, because the more you are enjoying each other in the beginning, the easier it will be to achieve the remaining steps.
NEXT, just when the object of your affection starts really diggin' you, start acting crazy. I mean, batshit crazy - act the complete opposite of who he fell in love with. If he likes you because you're aloof and independent, start acting insecure and clingy. If he likes you because you're insecure and clingy, start acting aloof and independent. Just be sure to act nothing like the person he fell in love with.
PLEASE NOTE, people can forgive minor setbacks. Especially if he really loves you. That's what you gotta make sure this is a MAJOR setback. To really ensure that he never likes you again, you gotta stick that shank in deep and turn the handle. You gotta seal the deal. And you do that with the next two steps.
DOUBT. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Doubt everything he has every said to you. Doubt the connection. Doubt the relationship. Doubt him as a human being. (E.g., "you're not really from this planet, are you?" or "You can't possibly really love me - I'm a complete asshole!") Whatever you do, DO NOT BELIEVE. Doubt that love could ever exist for any two people ever. Doubt your mother's middle name. Doubt gravity, if you have to. Just doubt.
FINALLY, become so unbearably annoying that you can't even stand yourself. I mean, when you look in the mirror, you are downright disgusted. Nag. Point out flaws. Whine a lot - that works well. Complain that he doesn't love you like he used to. Complain that things are different now and what happened. Complain about work. Complain about your dog. Complain about the mailman. Complain about the mailman biting your dog. Make shit up if you have to. Just be sure that every word coming out of your mouth is as annoying to you as it is to him.
Well, that should do it. Good luck, all. If you have any questions, please send an email to idontgiveafuck@relationships.com. Per the advice of counsel, we will not respond to any correspondence. You're on your own, kid.
** TERMS OF MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE. To submit a claim for your money back, please supply us with the following:
1. Receipt for monies paid to us for this fool-proof system.
2. An itemized list of the steps you took, in accordance with the method spelled out above.
3. A blood sample.
4. A urine sample.
5. A bone marrow sample.
6. A signed, sworn, and notarized affidavit from the object of your desire, stating that despite your efforts, this person still loves you.
Send all of the following to the address listed on our website, and we will refund your money in full, at our discretion, when we feel like it and we have some extra cash lying around that is burning a hole in our pockets.
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tvsgweblog on
Hey Tort,
Good One! Ha!Ha!---I'm in the middle of yet another Divorce-Seems like she's getting the Money Back Guarantee payout. Of course, I draw the line at blood marrow!
Good One! Ha!Ha!---I'm in the middle of yet another Divorce-Seems like she's getting the Money Back Guarantee payout. Of course, I draw the line at blood marrow!
