I Wanna Go to Prison
So, lately I've been thinking that I really want to go to prison. I know what you're thinking - we've been down this road before, and it's always the same pipe dream, Tortfeasor. But, this time I've really thought it through! I've even done research! And here's what I've come up with:
Reasons why I want to go to prison:
1. Three square meals, and I don't have to cook them. But, I guess if got bored, maybe they'd let me work in the prison kitchen. Maybe I could put in for a job in the kitchen and then really spice things up - eggs benedict, turkey bacon, homemade macaroni and cheese. I could really cause a stir in the prison kitchen. Prisoners would start making small talk over quiches and french bread. My food will unite the petty disagreements of women prisoners. Maybe on Game Night we'll do a prison-wide fondue.
2. Lots of time to read. What else can you do all day? Do they limit the number of books that you can have at once? I bet they don't, because people have to read quietly. People can't be reading and causing riots at the same time. So, there must be no limit on books you can have. I'll ask Quentin and get back to you.
3. Family can only visit during visiting hours, and they can't call you on your cell phone or nag you for not visiting them at home on Sundays.
4. I'll be in a women's prison! Dude, there's not going to be anal rape in the shower. It's women's prison.
Research on did on prison:
1. I talked to Quentin, a psychologist in a male prison in Los Angeles, and asked him how he liked his job.
2. I spoke with Betty, a law student in New York City, and together we decided that insurance fraud was the way I would get into prison. She said I'd be a hero!
Reasons why Quentin says I shouldn't go to prison:
1. "Women know how to stab, too, Tortfeasor."
2. There are cannibals in Quentin's prison. But they eat their own skin, not other people's.
3. To stay alive in prison, I need to have the respect of the other prisoners. He said insurance fraud isn't going to cut it. He said it's got to be first-degree murder.
So, I'm off that prison kick again. I'm not too excited about what I learned about prison today - getting there, staying there, and eating my own flesh to stay alive.
Part Two: Next Research Project
What was Martha Stewart's prison like, and how do I get there?
Reasons why I want to go to prison:
1. Three square meals, and I don't have to cook them. But, I guess if got bored, maybe they'd let me work in the prison kitchen. Maybe I could put in for a job in the kitchen and then really spice things up - eggs benedict, turkey bacon, homemade macaroni and cheese. I could really cause a stir in the prison kitchen. Prisoners would start making small talk over quiches and french bread. My food will unite the petty disagreements of women prisoners. Maybe on Game Night we'll do a prison-wide fondue.
2. Lots of time to read. What else can you do all day? Do they limit the number of books that you can have at once? I bet they don't, because people have to read quietly. People can't be reading and causing riots at the same time. So, there must be no limit on books you can have. I'll ask Quentin and get back to you.
3. Family can only visit during visiting hours, and they can't call you on your cell phone or nag you for not visiting them at home on Sundays.
4. I'll be in a women's prison! Dude, there's not going to be anal rape in the shower. It's women's prison.
Research on did on prison:
1. I talked to Quentin, a psychologist in a male prison in Los Angeles, and asked him how he liked his job.
2. I spoke with Betty, a law student in New York City, and together we decided that insurance fraud was the way I would get into prison. She said I'd be a hero!
Reasons why Quentin says I shouldn't go to prison:
1. "Women know how to stab, too, Tortfeasor."
2. There are cannibals in Quentin's prison. But they eat their own skin, not other people's.
3. To stay alive in prison, I need to have the respect of the other prisoners. He said insurance fraud isn't going to cut it. He said it's got to be first-degree murder.
So, I'm off that prison kick again. I'm not too excited about what I learned about prison today - getting there, staying there, and eating my own flesh to stay alive.
Part Two: Next Research Project
What was Martha Stewart's prison like, and how do I get there?
Leave a Comment
tvsgweblog on
Sorry Tort,
Martha Stewart's already set the menus for Women's Prisons, although, you might slip in a little "kick-ass" lasagne!
Also, with your "Teleporting" Gift you can come and go as you please. Screw with the "Head Count" counter. Teleport to a "Tool" concert, have some Ben & Jerry's and be back before laundry duty!
Again, thanks for the laugh!
TV
Martha Stewart's already set the menus for Women's Prisons, although, you might slip in a little "kick-ass" lasagne!
Also, with your "Teleporting" Gift you can come and go as you please. Screw with the "Head Count" counter. Teleport to a "Tool" concert, have some Ben & Jerry's and be back before laundry duty!
Again, thanks for the laugh!
TV
tortfeasor on
Prove it, Cavutto! I'm one tough cookie. You can't break me. Prison can't break me!
p.s. Those shows are about MALE prisons. I'm going to a WOMEN's prison. Completely different. If Martha Stewart can do it, so can I.
p.s. Those shows are about MALE prisons. I'm going to a WOMEN's prison. Completely different. If Martha Stewart can do it, so can I.
tortfeasor on
TV,
I like where you're going with this. If I were to use my superpowers to their full potential, I could get the benefits of prison without the downsides. But, I'll have to keep it on the down-low, because some of the main reasons I want to go to prison is so I don't have to answer the phone or visit my family. If people know I can teleport, I'm screwed.
I like where you're going with this. If I were to use my superpowers to their full potential, I could get the benefits of prison without the downsides. But, I'll have to keep it on the down-low, because some of the main reasons I want to go to prison is so I don't have to answer the phone or visit my family. If people know I can teleport, I'm screwed.
