So, I decided to take a chance and throw together a profile for match.com.  I think this profile really captures my essence:

http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?ortp=1&tp=u&uid=mlp/agmidhb5z+ehidgnda==&lid=21

Enjoy!

I used to have a sign on my mirror that said, simply, "What kind of PERSON do you want to be?"  I took it down for a bit when I moved, and I recently put it back up.  

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

What kind of person do you want to be?

Do you want to be the kind of person who inspires others, who others look up to?  Do you want to be the kind of person who is respected for high-quality work?  What kind of person do you want to be?

The inspiration for this sign:
Personal world.  I was in a crappy personal relationship - details irrelevant.  And I was fixated on how much I hated this crappy relationship and what it was doing to me.  So, one day, I thought to myself, "Given reality, Tortfeasor, what kind of person do you want to be?  Given.  Reality."  (The last two words are supposed to be said slowly, with emphasis.  "Given.  Reality.")

After this brainstorm, I reflected on that sentence a lot.  Given reality, what kind of person do you want to be?  See, I was fighting reality and arguing with it, and that's what made me so unhappy.   But, accepting that reality was really here, what did I want to do with this reality?

I kept that sign up for almost and entire year, and then I took it down a few months ago, because I thought I had absorbed all I needed.  I was being the person I wanted to be.  Given reality.

PUTTING THE SIGN BACK UP
Lately, times have been tough.  We are all going through this very real rescession, and I, personally, have been going through some difficult times.  I reached the point where I needed to put the sign back up.  My personal world and my business world were just begging to be asked this question again.

Why I need this sign again:
Personal world.  My crappy relationship ended, and I was again feeling crappy.  Was wracking my brain to figure out where I had gone wrong.  My head was spinning with "should this," "should that," and "that's not fair!"  I couldn't find resolution and, consequently, couldn't figure out how to move forward.

Business world.  My clients.  For the last million months, I've been working with a client on a deal.  The deal is not going the way he'd hoped, and he's been very, very unhappy.  He's been focusing on how the price wasn't what he'd expected to get, how everybody's out to get him, and how it should have gone differently (ignoring, completely the implosion of the real estate market in the last 12 months - he's not in the business.  He's selling the property for his family.)  

The effect of this sign on me:
It makes me stop.  It makes me stop and think.  It makes me stop and think about what is going on, right at that very moment.  Once I say, "Given reality," I stop and think about what reality is, right at that very moment.

See, when we are focused on "this shouldn't be like this!," we're fighting reality.  "Should" gets you nowhere.  I abolished it sometime in law school, but it keeps creeping back into my life.  As my friend Rachel says, once you stop fighting reality, and just go with it, you no longer have to push that rock uphill.  And once you stop pushing that rock uphill, you end up exactly where you need to be.

It's amazing to me how much going through this exercise clears my head.  I'll hear the committee inside my brain (most likely Franklin; he's the loudest of my neuroses), yelling "Should! Should! Should!" and being offended by something, and then I'll slow it down.  It doesn't matter what life should or should not be like; it matters what life is.  Identifying what is really going on removes the cloud from the issue and lets you figure out what you're going to do in this situation.

We all go through difficult times.  That's part of life.  So, when faced with a difficulty, do I want to be someone who focuses on the drama and the nonsense and the stuff that doesn't really matter?  Do I want to be the person who complains and focuses on the bad?  Or, I can choose to be amazing.  I can choose to stop, reflect, and choose the option that makes me the kind of person I want to be.

Given reality, what kind of person do you want to be?  I want to be the kind of person I respect and admire.  I want to be proud of who I am and happy in my own skin.  I want to enjoy life and know that if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I would die being proud of who I was.  I want to live a life true to my values, and not do things because they please others or because I should.  

I have a confession.  I've been cheating on you.  Real bad.  I've been all over the internet, talking to this one, laughing with that one.  It was great while it lasted.  But now I feel horrible.  And a bit dirty.

A couple of thoughts:
1.  I like it here.  It's all small and cozy. 
2.  It's getting weird out there.  People are following me, reading my thoughts, and thinking that they know me.  Weird.  Weirdness.
3.  I now understand why people write with a pseudonym.  This makes a ton of sense. 
4.  I also understand why my friend committed Friendster-cide.  People get all up in your shit.  No privacy.  My fault for putting it out there, but I'd like to hide here for a bit so all those people go away.
5.  I've written a few blog posts that I'd like to share with you.  Lemme see if I can find them.

Thank you for taking me back, Blogs4me friends.  You were right here, waiting, and never judged.  Okay, maybe you judged, but you're still willing to take me back.

So, I was looking through old notes and stumbled across this record I'd taken of a phone call last year, when my (then) assistant was on her honeymoon.

Exact record:
Jun 19 2008, 3:15pm
clear image re ink cartridge; we owe them $177; one ink cartridge was $150; then shipping and handling fee; shipped out on may 21; 30 day open net building; kelly - 877-798-8400 x 219;

told her that i made fun of dee for buying ink from this scam place and dee needs to call and settle the bill; asked if she could make fun of dee for paying 3 x the cost of ink cartridge in order to get $10 gift certificate; she said she didn't think she was allowed to ridicule anyone, but she would call back on tues june 24

DEE - You are never allowed to purchase gimmicky shit like this again.  Please call her and pay the bill with office debit card.  I hope we got a million ink cartridges for that $177.  Make sure any subscription service you signed up for is canceled as well.

************************

I remember asking the customer service rep if she could, please, call back when my assistant gets back from her honeymoon and ridicule her for making such a stupid purchase.  There was a brief silence, and then, "Uh...I don't think I'm allowed to do that."

I ridiculed her myself.  :)

Note:  Have the courage to just be you.

My mom's coming over tonight.  I think I'm going to tell her I smoke.  Let's see how it goes.

Questions: 
1.  How old is too old to get into a fight at a soccer game?
2.  Is there a "too young?"

Thoughts?

Subtitled:  Just because we don't understand it, doesn't mean we can't regulate it.

Gotta love lawyers.  So, I called the Grievance Committee today.  (Note:  In CT, the Grievance Committee regulates lawyers, and not the Bar Association.  CBA organizes lawyer proms and such, and is optional to participate.  The Grievance Committee is where it's at.)

My goals: 
1.  Find out how I comply with their new attorney advertising rules.
2.  Have a little fun.

My questions: 
1.  Which domain names am I "using"?
The new rules say that I have to register all domain names I use.  Do I have to register my site at ActiveRain.com or LawGuru.com?  Shouldn't I have to?  But, I don't own them.  Strict letter of the law, right? 

Here's the exact wording, for all of you legal minds out there:
"Attorneys are reminded that pursuant to Practice Book §2-28A(a)(3), a list of website domain names used by the attorney must be filed with the Statewide Grievance Committee quarterly on the first business day of January, April, July and October."

Let's point out the important part "a list of website domain names used by the attorney."

"Used?"  Used?  What does "used" even mean?  I use Facebook.  I use FailBlog.org.  I use theonion.com.  What does "use" mean?

I'm thinking about going crazy and just registering every website I "use" during the course of a day.  Strict compliance.  (That's a technique in litigation.  When you have something you don't want the other side to see, but you are forced to show your cards through mandatory discovery, you bombard them with every single piece of paper you can think of, so it gets buried like a needle in a haystack.)  That would be entertaining for me, but we're not really looking to make enemies, right?  Plus, it seems like a lotta work, and I don't have a program that would do that.  Yet.

2.  What is "advertising"?
The new rules say I have to register all advertising, prior to or concurrently with dissemination.  But what's "advertising"?  Is it advertising for me to create a group on Facebook?  If so, how do I upload that?  Is it advertising to have a promotion on MerchantCircle.com?  If so, do I need to upload my promotion, prior to or concurrently with dissemination?  Is it advertising for me to make status updates on Twitter?  Sounds like advertising to me.  How do I "upload" tweets?  Do I need to upload my tweets before I tweet them?  How about status updates on LinkedIn?  That's advertising, isn't it?

Strict wording of the rule:
"Rule 7.2. Advertising
(a) Subject to the requirements set forth in Rules 7.1 and 7.3, a lawyer may advertise services through written, recorded or electronic communication, including public media.
(b) (1) A copy or recording of an advertisement or communication shall be kept for three years after its last dissemination along with a record of when and where it was used. An electronic advertisement or communication shall be copied once every three months on a compact disk or similar technology and kept for three years after
its last dissemination."

"Sec. 2-28A. Attorney Advertising; Mandatory Filing
(a) Any attorney who advertises services to the public through any media, electronic or otherwise, or through written or recorded communication pursuant to Rule 7.2 of the Rules of Professional Conduct shall file a copy of each such advertisement or communication with the statewide grievance committee either prior to or concurrently with the attorney’s first dissemination of the advertisement or written or recorded communication,
except as otherwise provided in subsection (b) herein."

Issues:
a.  Any "attorney?"  So law firms don't have to register?
b.  "any media, electronic or otherwise"?

The Solution:  Call the Grievance Committee and Ask
So, I figured I'd call and just give 'em the ole dumb blonde approach.  Have a little fun with the lady.  I got her on the phone and started asked questions about who really owns a domain name and such.  She put me on hold and them came back with the answer that I don't have to register third-party sites.  (That seems silly to me, but looks like we're not looking at underlying policy here.)

Then I chatted a bit more, adding a few more buzzwords like "social media" and "domain ownership," until I got her onto MerchantCircle.com.  The conversation fell apart from there, as I tried to get her into a philosphical discussion about how MerchantCircle, although exempt under the third-party exemption she cited above, does fall under the purpose of the advertising rule, so don't they want to regulate it?  Unfortunately, she was so baffled and overwhelmed by the jargon I was spitting out that I had to argue both sides of the debate.  Not what I was hoping for.

The Answer:  "Uh......I'm going to have to look that up.  What are the names of the sites you're talking about?"
I was hoping I'd get to work "Twitter" and "tweet" into the conversation, but I stumped her on MerchantCircle.com, which isn't even a fancy site.  It's basically product reviews, little more techy than the good ole-fashioned yellow pages.

I'm writing my list of questions for when she calls me back.  I should've told her to email me...

Someone tell me a story.  Please.

So, the grievance committee/bar association writes these rules about how we have to practice law.  Good idea, right?  Code of ethics we all have to follow, right?  Maintains civil, professional behavior among lawyers, right?  Not so, my friend.  Not so.  The lawyers I have as opposing counsel or even consulting counsel on matters I've handled while representing the little guy have ranged from awesome to scum-sucking, self-centered idiots, dressed in sheep's clothing.  I'm collecting more awesome ones lately.  But, in any case, we all get these list of rules about remembering to comply with the new internet rules for lawyers and the new advertising rules for lawyers.  The bottom of this email is a reminder I received from the Statewide Grievance Committee, which goes out to all lawyers registered in Connecticut.

(Sidenote:  In Connecticut, the Grievance Committee functions as a bar association, which creates rules and regulations, and the Connecticut Bar Association makes money off its name and sells you things, rather than helping you.  Being a member of the Connecticut Bar Association is optional.  Optional.  And social.  Idiots.  They can't even get the naming of the groups right.)

Here are my lists of complaints about this stupid lawyer rule:
1.  Corporate attorneys were smart enough to lobby a carvout, while the rule was drafted, that makes the rule not apply to them.  How the fuck did they do that, and how can I do that next time?  2.  I thought about sending this to a lawyer friend, and then I realized that I don't know enough lawyer friends in CT who would care about the CBA or even think about it.  The little guys fear it, and the big guys ignore it.
3.  Why the fuck do I have to register my domain name with you people?  Don't you have google?  If you think I'm doing something wrong or get a complaint, fucking google the website, assholes!
4.  Effective use of the internet necessitates many sites and links and participation in groups.  Do I have to list every fucking website as I go on?  What counts as "website domain names?"  Does my participation in lawguru.com count?  Shouldn't it?  Isn't that where I'm really a threat to the community, by giving free legal advice?  Idiots.  But you want to regulate my list of addresses and content about how I describe myself, while that site is only visited by people who were specifically looking for me, rather than the general public, where I can do more harm?
I fucking hate lawyers.  They're a bunch of idiots.  Don't know a thing about business, don't know a thing about marketing, don't know a thing about the internet, but we'd better fucking regulate it, that's for sure.
5.  You have to have a CT juris number to get this email, which means that you are registered in CT.  Wouldn't the people more likely to be doing harm be the ones without CT juris numbers?  Wouldn't it be that the people who comply with this rule are being burdened to show that they comply, whereas the people who are busy lying to potential clients are more likely not getting this email anyway?

This shit really pisses me off.  I'm so angry, that I'm going to go out into the interwebs and harm some potential client through my computer.



---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Statewide Grievance Committee <statewide.grievance@jud.ct.gov>
Date: Fri, Jan 16, 2009 at 3:44 PM
Subject: Reminder to Attorneys Regarding Quarterly Filing of URLs
To: bartolotta@b-law.com


Reminder to Attorneys Regarding Quarterly Filing of URLs

 

            Attorneys are reminded that pursuant to Practice Book §2-28A(a)(3), a list of website domain names used by the attorney must be filed with the Statewide Grievance Committee quarterly on the first business day of January, April, July and October.

 

            The filing must be done electronically through Judicial Branch E-Services, https://eservices.jud.ct.gov/login.aspx.  The Committee does not accept other types of electronic filings (e.g. email, fax, etc.).  The submitting attorney must use his or her personal juris number and not a firm juris number or other type when logging into E-Services and completing the electronic filing form.  There is an online tutorial at the Committee’s website, www.jud.ct.gov/sgc/ to assist you with these filings.  If you have not filed your list of website domain names as of January 1, 2009, please do so immediately.  You are also reminded to file any non-exempt print or multi-media advertisements prior to or concurrently with their first dissemination.  See Practice Book §2-28A(a) and (b).

 

            Please bear in mind the following:

 

            1.         This rule does not apply to government or corporate attorneys whose employer maintains a website.

 

            2.         Only active website domain names need to be filed.  If you have purchased a domain name but the website is “under construction” or you use the domain name only as part of an email address, you do not have to file the name with the Committee.

 

            3.         You do not need to fill out the form or file a statement to indicate that you do not use a website domain name.

 

            4.         Only one filing is necessary per firm, but each responsible attorney for the website must have his/her personal juris number listed on the electronic form.  You can list multiple website addresses on one form.

 

            5.         You must file the list of website domain names each quarter regardless of whether you have made any changes to the website since the last filing.

 

            6.         If you have already filed your list of website domain names for January, you can ignore this email.

 

            Any questions may be addressed to the Statewide Grievance Committee in reply to this email or at Attorney.Advertising@jud.ct.gov.

"I can only think of one thing that needs batteries," I shouted from the center of the kitchen.

Simultaneously, from from two separate rooms, voices yelled out, "The remote!" and "My mouse!" 

"Okay, three."

Then, "Rex's color!" and "The flashlight."

Still, only one thing neeeeeeds batteries.

And so do I.  Two fucking tylenol PMs and a cold from another world, and I still can't sleep.  WTF.  Little bastard told me he had to go potty.  Turns out he just liked the look of his shadow in the moonlight.

Not like I was doing anything.  Feel like I've been awake for weeks.  Was crazy sick last weekend.  Got some sleep then.  I'm exhausted now, but wide fucking awake. 

Might have something to do with stress.  I know, I know - I picked this fucking life.

Think I'm going to go join the dog in the moonlight and figure out what he's staring at.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  I haven't slept in forever.

Recently overheard statements:
1.  So.......the infection cleared up.  Which is good.
2.  Is your sister easy?
3.  Being with you would ruin my life.

I have successfully installed Civ IV on my new computer Izzy.  Just like final exams in undergrad (okay, maybe in grad school; maybe in law school too), I feel an addiction coming on.

And I'm not fighting it.

Notes from my dog's journal:

So, I was up most of the night barking at the thunder.  I don't care what the old lady says - I still think it's a game, and I think I can win.  In fact, I think I did win.  When the game ended, the score was 138 Thunder, 139 Me. 

Just like always, my persistence paid off and I got 'em at the buzzer.

Can't wait until tonight.  I hear there's going to be another storm.  This time I'll be ready.  I'm going to sleep all day on the old lady's bed, so I'm rested for the event. 

Off to roll in something stinky before I go back to bed.
xoxox
- Rex

So, my sister called me tonight.

"Ever hear of Tony Hawk?"

"Yup, he's a pro skater.  Must be about 40 now.  Was really popular, oh 20 years ago among our age group."

"Well, I've got free tickets!!  For Sunday!  They were just givin' em away at work!"

......

"Wanna go?"

"Ummm....no."

Then my sister was confused and hurt, because I didn't want to spend this Sunday afternoon hanging out with her and her bratty kid and watching a pro skater in his forties, of whose awesomeness she had not heard until this very afternoon.  Heartbroken.

Guess she never played the video game.  Twenty years ago.

So, it was pretty hot and muggy last night, so I left the windows open.  No screens on the windows, because I can't reach to put them back in, but I figured a couple of bugs were worth it to be able to sleep better.

Around midnight, I woke up to the dog chasing a bug around the room.  Bug must've gone out the window, because I heard a scramble with the window blinds (or what's left of the window blinds) and then maybe some sort of thud (I don't know - I was sleeping!), and then silence. 

"Dog?  Dog?  Hey, buddy?" 

Turned on the light and there was no dog in the room.  So I went all the way into the kitchen to open up the back door and look out (because it didn't seem like a good idea to jump through the window myself).  I'm standing in the doorway, buck naked, yelling the dog's name out into the night.  Oh, he took off.  I was afraid that he had broken a leg or something from the fall, but no - he took the opportunity to run around the back yard.  Probably chased that fly straight through the garden to the back wall.  At midnight.  From a dead sleep.

Here's what the window looked like this morning:  http://flickr.com/photos/tortfeasor13/2691752417/

So, my dad just called and invited me to Old Timers Day at Yankee Stadium with him!  Even though my dad is the biggest Yankee fan ever, I've never been to Yankee Stadium before, and this is the last year before the new stadium.  Old Timers Fucking Day!  How awesome is that?

He's also got an extra ticket for this Saturday's game, but I can't go because I'll be in Boston.

So, here's the flickr of my dad last weekend, at my cousin Mary Jane's 4th of July party:

http://flickr.com/photos/tortfeasor13/2637690544/

I just got off the phone with my stepmom.  Apparently, at the interview, the guy asked my dad, "Have you ever tried our products?"  And my dad said something like, "I don't use your products, but I'd like to get to know more about them."  And then they lit up in the interview. 

I have done some crazy shit when I'm interviewing potential employees (the lettuce question, the woodchuck question, repeatedly asking them how they feel about taking out the trash), but never had I had the balls to ask a potential hire to smoke with me. 

Maybe it's got to be related to the job they are hiring for.  My father will be selling specialty cigarettes into local stores (Djarums, cigars, etc.) and the interviewer wanted to know if he understood the difference in quality.  (My father smokes Marlborough Ultra Lights and doesn't really like cigars.  He also doesn't believe in grades of quality and has a slight tendency towards paranoia - subsided a bit in the last few years - so when something is more expensive, he generally believes that "they" are just trying to get more money out of you and you can get the same thing, down the road for cheaper. 

If that's the motivation for the question, the guy is brilliant.  He'll figures out that my father doesn't believe in high-quality anything and probably won't do well selling specialty cigars.  If that's not the motivation, that's fucking awesome.  Just fucking awesome.  It's like being in Nashville again - smoking in interviews.

I have added to my interviewing protocol - I am not requiring all potential hires (staff, independent contractors, and even high school interns) to smoke at the interview. 

Here's a copy of the bird report filed with the FAA after the incident.  Craziness.  I can't believe he didn't lose his license for that!  All the idiots on the ground thought it was so fucking funny!

So, the other day, I went flying with my friend Dave.  You know - I trusted that guy; I really did.  I thought he knew what he was doing.   Anyway, I'll get to the point. 

We meet up at the regional airport, like we had planned.  And he's totally unprepared - asking the guy at the front desk how the whole airplane thing works, asking if he needs any sort of special training or a license to get the thing off the ground.  I figured if he asked me to go flying with him, he would have at least taken a few lessons or something.  So, I start freaking out.  He assures me - it's fine, it's fine.

So, we get up in the air - takeoff wasn't so bad.  And we're cruising around.  I'm a little less nervous now.  He seems to know what he's doing.  He points out this seagull off in the sky to our left, and I say (jokingly), "Dude, turn back around and hit it."  Before I get a chance to take the words back, he's pulled a 180 in the air and is cruising after the bird.  Inside, I'm screaming, "WTF!" but I don't scream outloud in vessels in the sky, after that whole hot air balloon incident.  So, we go racing after the bird.  I'm terrified, but I hardly have time to think before he hits the bird with the front of the plane.  THUD! as the majority of the bird's body hits the front windshield, and then bird guts and blood all over the windshield and outside of the plane.  I mean, c'mon dude - I WAS ONLY KIDDING!!

I don't remember the rest of the trip, but I do remember being safely on the ground and the maintenance crew asking what had happened and why the front of the plane was covered in blood.  I have no idea what I said in response.  I was just concentrating on moving my legs, one foot in front of the other, until I was off the tarmac, away from that crazy fuck, and safely in my car en route to the commune.

Lesson:  Never joke about hitting a bird when you're flying with Little Dave.